I will begin this post by stating that I am a suicide-attempt survivor... Three times, I survived it. I never thought I would try it again after the first time. I finally sought therapy after the last time, and I am so thankful for taking that step which has helped saved my life.
Over the years, rejection, loss, emotional abuse, and depression led to my feelings of failure and unworthiness. I even felt like a failure for not succeeding in dying. But God allowed me to live, and so I now try to shine a light of hope when I can.
People will often comment on how joyful I am, positive, motivated, and goal oriented. I am all these things on a good day. On a bad day, I want to stay indoors and unseen. I became very good at hiding my sadness at an early age... at being for others what they needed me to be. It was a coping mechanism for me to try to make everyone as happy as I could. If people were happy with me, maybe they would love me or like me or not leave me, not hurt me. The problem with thinking that way is that I never made myself happy.
And guess what, people were human and they disappointed me, left me, used me, and hurt me many, many times. And because my feelings of self worth depended on what others felt or showed me and how they treated me, rather than on the love of my saving God or the love I should have felt for myself... Well, I was constantly fighting a losing battle. I also had to learn to understand why I was allowing people to affect me or treat me the way they did. How do you unlearn years and years of behavior? Very patiently, and by getting help.
I now know, by the grace of God, that I am of value. I am not crazy as some meanies would have had me believe when they could not control or manipulate me. What I have are incredible coping skills. I am conscious of my tendency to enable others and to forget to take care of myself. I have learned that it is okay to fail, and that I can get back up and try again. I have learned it is okay to say no, and that if someone I love gets angry at me it is not the end if the world (though it still saddens me). I am okay with not being liked or understood. I like myself and understand "me."
I know that in my darkest hours, when I feel most alone, I am never alone, because God is with me. I know that life is a gift, no matter how much it hurts. But I did not always have these insights, and even after I did, I'd forget them when I was in deep pain after a great loss.
Please know it is not a cop out nor a selfish act to attempt or commit suicide. It is caused by a complete feeling of worthlessness and despair. I know that feeling all too well. All I wanted to do was not be a burden to those I loved and to end the pain that rendered me emotionally paralyzed. Telling a depressed person to "get over it," is like telling a burn victim to ignore their third-degree burns. Would you tell a person with third-degree burns that their pain is "all in their head?" Some wounds cannot be seen, but they are still present and deep and so very painfully hard to heal..
I have learned that in my darkest hours, if I will just hold in a little longer, help is just around the corner... and if help doesn't arrive, peace to get through the moment will. If I will just hold on to the smallest view of beauty, be it a flower or a smile or the soft caress of a breeze, I will feel God's arms wrap around me and find solace in His gift of life. I don't have to understand why something hurts anymore... I just need to understand that it will get better.
If you are in pain, and you feel you are at the end of your rope and don't want to live anymore, PLEASE reach out for help. If you feel there is no way to go on, please do not isolate yourself... know that whatever you are living through is not permanent. Remember that your life matters, possibly for someone you have not even met yet. You will get through this. Hold on to live another day. Your hope is closer than you think. None of us get out of this lifetime alive, but we all deserve a chance to truly live while we are here. Find what makes you feel alive within you. You are worth living for!
If you know someone who is struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, please make yourself available to listen. Sometimes he or she may not think you have listened enough... Don't take in that guilt, because you don't have to have all the answers. Your presence, though -- your kind ear, your referral to a therapist or hotline, or even your smile or hug -- can save a life.
~*~