I have not posted anything direct about my marriage until today. I want you to know that I am healing. Some days I am good, some days I want to stay home all day and not talk to anyone. I take life one day at a time.
I want to thank you for your prayers and encouragement over the past year. In May of 2013, my husband and I separated after just one year and one month of marriage... After yet another heated argument, one he had initiated, his yelling at me escalated into him punching the sliding glass door just 3 feet away from me, then towering over me and punching the table at which I sat, grabbing my arm to prevent me from walking away, cussing me out and demanding a divorce, even later blocking my exit. Confused and scared, I took my dog, called my daughter to tell her to stay at her friends' home, and I checked into a hotel. Something was so very wrong... and for the first time ever, I felt physically afraid he could harm me. He claimed it was all in my head.
That night I received news from a private investigator that informed me of many things my husband had hidden from me including: a very large tax debt, past criminal financial fraud for which he was sentenced, and a second marriage. Six months of marriage counseling later, and I was still discovering more lies on his part involving finances and addictions... I repeatedly asked him for honesty; so we could try to salvage our marriage based on truth. It never came. He would only admit to what I uncovered. I was jobless, penniless and needing foot surgery. Somehow by the grace of God I got through the impossible. He will tell you he never stopped financially supporting me, but he will conveniently leave out that he gave us barely enough to pay for food and gas... I worked very hard to keep a small apartment while working odd jobs in search of a job that would help me become self sufficient.
On Thanksgiving Day of last year, I received an email from him along with a very recent photo of him with an ex girlfriend. The photo was taken at a Broadway musical and accompanied with a romantic love poem similar to ones he would send to me when he had courted me. This was the nail that sealed the lid on my decision to pursue divorce. Painful though it was, I was grateful for this revelation which I saw as a sign from God. This man would later deny it was romantic email and explain it was simply a translation of a poem for her, and that he had accepted her invitation to the event as a friend hoping to apologize to her for all the hurt he had caused during their breakup... something that he claimed was part of his "Twelve Step" program. This is the same woman whom during our marriage he would tell me would call him and email him repeatedly because she was still in love with him. I listened to him, but I no longer believed anything coming out of his mouth.
I cannot begin to tell you the pain, confusion, and agony of my life in trying to start over with ashes of what my previous life had been prior to marriage. Before marrying this man, I was a successful career woman, active in a loving and thriving church, a happy single mom with savings in the bank who loved life. After just one year of marriage, my entire 20-year retirement savings had been drained, I had not a dime in the bank, and I was left with $20K in credit card and medical debt. At one point, my self esteem plummeted to the point I did not want to live. How could this have happened, I asked myself repeatedly? It was because I believed every single lie he told me, in good faith, as a dutiful wife. And I gave him every single thing I owned, in good faith. He will tell you he didn't know what I spent our money on... although I kept a detailed budget, spreadsheet I shared with him regularly. He will leave out the fact he had multiple hidden checking and savings accounts and never contributed all his earnings to our joint accounts. He might admit to asking me to pull out my retirement funds, but he will leave out his promise to pull out some of his own funds... he will leave out his addiction to alcohol and gambling. He will leave out his reckless spending on his company credit card. He will leave out the $13K he owed the IRS which caused our bank accounts to be emptied by the government. He will leave out why he kept his possessions in a storage facility the whole time we were married and refused to allow us to move into an apartment, because he wanted to live in a house, despite it being beyond our financial means. He will leave out how he would explode and yell at me if I asked questions about these things... to the point I was afraid to mention anything to him for fear of another violent outburst.
I kept a perfect house, a pleasant demeanor, attended to his needs, but nothing was ever good enough... I encouraged him daily, loved him physically, mentally and spiritually. We went to church together and took time for romantic outings. I began to dread Sundays, because he would wake up and change his mind about going to church and then leave for work for nearly 24 hours. I began to dread his invitations for a romantic dinner, knowing that his outbursts would then arrive out of the blue and the insults and raging anger toward me would be unpredictable and unavoidable. Afterward, he would be the nicest, kindest, soft spoken man I had ever known. It was like being with Jesus and Satan at the same time.
Never in my life have I allowed someone to batter me emotionally the way I allowed this man to break me down in my spirit. All because of love. I loved him so much I could not believe he would intentionally hurt me. I tried to do everything the "right" way. But with him, there is no "right" way.
There are days I ask myself why God allowed me to go through what I went through with this man. But most days, I don't ask... I am not in the business of needing to know the why of everything anymore. What I do know is that I am wiser and more able to recognize the red flags and warning signals of a person with abusive, sociopath, manipulative behavior. And I steer clear, far away from those types.
As the apostle Paul says in the Bible, he counted it (his suffering) all joy... So I mentally repeat his biblical words in hopes that one day I will feel the joy through this pain that sliced me in places I didn't even know could hurt. I know peace, and the peace my God has given me has sustained me in my darkest hours. I know I am worthy of real love from those who accept me as I am without the need to control me nor twist my words and intentions into hate. I am thankful to be blessed with loving family and friends who reached out to help me emotionally once I reached out for help.
Please continue to lift me up with your prayers for my emotional healing, and for restoration in my daughter and my life. We have undergone so much loss and change the past year... but we are overcomers and will rise up with God's favor and anointing over our lives. I am not the first woman to experience a devastating end to a marriage, nor will I be the last... and if my experience can be used to help women leave an abusive relationship, then I accept the task and am grateful to serve in helping others heal.
Please let it be known I wish him no evil, just that he would truly repent and never destroy another woman's heart nor trust again... that he would seek God's true salvation and not the lies of false doctrine or religion. That his own childhood wounds suffered at the hand of his abusive mother would truly heal through forgiveness so that he can learn to love himself before trying to love another. This man would give you the shirt off his back. He is kind and helpful to all whom he knows. Still, the one person whom he should have been most kind to (his wife) was the one person whom he chose to deceive and abuse. Ladies and gentlemen, if ever something does not feel right about the behavior of your loved one... please trust your instincts, and seek Godly guidance. Love does indeed cover a multitude of sins, but you should not have to suffer at the hands of the sinner. Walking on eggshells... No more.
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